Worst Arsenal Team Under Wenger 5-2 Best Spuds Team in 50 Years

Tottenham has been hit by an Arsenal whirlwind and has been blown out of North London!

It’s like I’ve been in an orgy with Ewan McGregor, Damon Alburn and David Bowie. Now all I want to do is shed tears of joy, scream on top of my lungs, hug everyone around me and spread cookies made out of rainbows.

May be the tea I just drank is drugged, but those were 5 goals under 30 minutes. Against those scumbags. In this horrible month of February.  Their first goal was a bit lucky, Saha shouldn’t have had that space and his ball was deflected. And I also blame Szczesny for not wearing a cap!  Can’t play football with eyes squirmed up like that ffs! (The very competent Mike Dean seemed delighted with that goal btw.) And then the Diving Monkey Cunt went down and the apple of our eyes, Mike Dean, did not hesitate to award them a penalty. My hands were around my head after Adebayor made it 2-0 and all I could see was downhill from there on. And it never felt so good to be wrong. As I started to go bald watching Theo lose the ball horrendously, he made a flick to RVP and the Dutchman’s shot hit the post. Robin was still laying there in the penalty box as I was screaming “GET THE FUCK UP”, totally unaware of the cross Arteta was about to make…and what Bacary Sagna was about to do.

I didn’t know whether to applaud him for that thumping goal or the fact that he beat Diving Monkey Cunt to get the ball. This is something I’d want Walcott to do. But I think, I hope I’m not right, that ship has sailed. Sagna didn’t bother with a celebration and ran with the ball to carry on, which showed how badly he wanted to stuff them. He injured himself on their crummy stadium after all, this was personal!

And then came that strike from the greatest left foot in all mankind. A world class goal from the edge of the box and the way he made the ball curve,  my lady parts started to fibrillate. Nothing gets a woman going like a nice, curved goal. As it stayed 2-2 in halftime and I had my legs crossed tight, the universe was preparing to give me the biggest orgasm since Czech Republic vs USA, 2006.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THAT WENT IN!

How fast is Tomas? He is so fast that he pre-assisted his own goal! You see how determined he is week in week out. Whenever he starts he gives his all, even if it doesn’t amount to a proper result you know the determination is there. When he comes on as an impact sub he really makes a massive difference almost always (unless there’s like 12 minutes to go, why do you do that Arsene?). I know a lot of people wants him gone and I’m pretty sure they still do. But, think about his performance without the goal (if you can’t remember here’s help). With a team lacking experience, would you really want a 31 year old guy, who seemed to have struck the fountain of youth, out?

THE GOAL! THE GOAL! RVP PASS TO ROSICKY IN THE MIDFIELD! ROSICKY PASS IT OFF TO SAGNA AND GETS IN THE BOX UNMARKED! SAGNA PUTS IT THROUGH ASSOU-EKOTTO’S FEET! AND TOMAS! TOMAS FLICKS IT IN WITH HIS LEFT FOOT!

That tiny little flick. That was the cutest goal I have ever seen!

I don’t feel like typing anymore haha! I have been smiling ear to ear for so long since last night that my head and jaw hurts simultaneously. He really needs to score and  most importantly he needs to keep playing like this. A friend of mine pointed out the “czech factor”, how Nedved and Poborsky were at their best during 31 to 34. Please, oh please, let this be the case for our Tomas!

Please tell me Stuart Pearce is watching!

So where was I, yeah.  After that, Walcott seemed to have managed 20 minutes of excellent football. Both of his goals were sharp-as-a-tack finishes and I wish I was his mum so it would have been appropriate for me to strangle him and go “WHY CAN’T YOU BE THIS SHARP MORE OFTEN!”. It’s not a tall fucking order. Finish every once in a while. You’re the protege of  Thierry Henry. For fucks sake!

Rosicky shot one wide 70 minutes in I think. And at some point Scott Parker got his second yellow for going studs up second time. That guy’s hair creeps me out. And he keeps on touching it! Eew!

And once again MOTM doesn’t mean shit as it clearly should have been Tomas Rosicky. Well, he is on the official site. So YAY

Scousebags have their spirits lifted from winning the milk cup last night so we know our opposition will be beaming with just as much, may be more, confidence as us. Should be interesting to see how Arsene rotates the squad. You know he will

I’ll wrap up here now. Naw I’ll do one more analogy! And a non vulgar one  this time At 2-0, it felt like a bad date to me where I accidentally coughed on him at first, then had my phone chewed by his pet monkey (see what I did there?). But little by little, it got better, at 3-2 it was that first kiss and it went on and on and on (Theo’s goals) and the whole world paused and I just wanted to high five everything around me. And then I got home, and 24 hours in, I still can’t stop smiling.

Bring on Liverpool!

1 Down, 37 More to Go: Newcastle United 0-0 Arsenal

Alan Pardew  is a bellend.

I could pinpoint at the only interesting part of the game, the red card, but while I write this it has been over 24 hours since the match took place and Barton has been called a cunt well over thousand times. And rightly so. Barton has been getting away with unsportsmanlike behavior on far too many occasions. This is a man who should be in jail for mob violence in Liverpool, for assaulting Dabo, assaulting a 15 year old Everton supporter in Thailand, stubbing a cigar into the face of a ManCity reserve player and punching Morten Gamst last November. What I don’t seem to understand is how does Ryan Giggs and Wayne Rooney get grilled by the media for being sleazebags, which has little to do with football but a thug like Barton gets a “Bad Boy” sticker and that’s about it. Having a threesome with prostitutes or sleeping with your brother’s wife has little affect on the pitch, where it matters.  Off pitch anger and violence gets reflected on how you play football. There were some great passes from Barton from last season, I will not deny I enjoyed watching him and Nolan work together. But all that is obviously overshadowed by just how much of a cunt Barton is.

Song deserved a straight and I can’t stretch that any further. The first game of last season against Liverpool when Joe Cole committed a two footed scissor tackle on Koscielny, he was sent off straight away and Kozza was stretched off. We were sure he is gone for 6 months where he was actually fine. Kozza wasn’t injured, but he very easily could have been. Barton could have broken his ankle there (right now, I would have loved that). A malicious tackle cannot be justified.

But how do you explain manhandling? There was clear contact between Tiote and Gervinho. And when the penalty was not given, the game moved on and so should have Barton. How do you justify that? If someone picked me up like that and swirled abuse at me, I would picked his eyes out right there, or maybe just hit him in the groin. Would I defend Gervinho for slapping him? No, but everyone knows where he is coming from. Behaviour like that is insulting and that got him angry. I wonder whether if he kept his cool Barton would have gotten a card instead for sparking up a mindless riot midgame. Probably not.

The best is yet to come though. Barton accusing Gervinho of diving, even though there was clear contact. Then him going down in sheer pain out of what looked like a misplaced slap on the head. My dad is 6’1″ and weighs 98 kilograms and has freakishly strong arms after 25 years of performing orthopedic surgeries. A slap from him and I should be in the ICU. Yet, I just stumble a few steps and struggle to eat solid food for a week. That’s it. He explained after match that he “acted out” for the team. For someone so pretentious, he surely would know what hypocrite means.

As for everything else, as if there is any, I thought we looked woeful. If you take the “beautiful football” out of Arsenal, I don’t know what else is there. And now we have a team without Gervinho and possibly Song for the Liverpool and ManUtd matches.

The Cesc Saga is coming to an end as Arsenal has announced a deal has gone through via official website. I don’t know what this means for Nasri. I know he could go. Most wants him to. But as far as I recall, he didn’t want to sign because he wanted to wait for Cesc to leave so he would be sure of a CM role. Now what?

As for bidding goodbye to Cesc, I don’t feel emotional. And I think this was his plan all along. Last season when we were sure he was a goner I called up a friend at 2 am and started crying. I was not even drunk. He gave us a season where he showed how he was not committed or determined at all and was somewhat moody for a captain. The summer was a chaos and he kept his mouth shut and silently went on strike. Behavior like  that towards a manager who helped you flourish, who made you a captain at 22, to fans who loved you and dubbed you as Jesus kind of eases the heartbreak, makes it easier to bid him farewell. I think he wanted that all along. I remember how vacant and lost I felt the day Henry left. This morning, I feel relieved. I don’t agree with letting vital players leave. But I don’t like watching uncommitted individuals in my team. He gave us some really great years and it really makes me sad to see him leave, it really makes me sad that I can’t use “My Cesc life is Fabregas” anymore. But that is what he wants. I hope he becomes a great player in the next 5 years and when my gooner grandchildren talk about football I will drop “Oh yeah? Well back in my days we had this kid called Fabregas and we he went on to…”  I will miss him, but life goes on. Good luck to him.

Looking forward to the Udinese clash now. Oh dear.

À bientôt.

That Unfamiliar Feeling: Arsenal 1-0 ManUtd

I can’t remember the last time we finished a first half 0-0 with 70% possession then actually won the damn thing.

As I was fighting traffic to make it to a tv for kickoff, news arrived from Arsenal.com that Cesc Fabregas won’t start. Apparently he hurt his thigh in training. Some gooners started mentioning “broken heart” but frankly that’s nonsense. If he was going all Edward Cullen over his ex he would have stayed at home finishing a tub of Hagen Das (which I do) while watching The Notebook (which Vidic does). Of course now we know his ex used to assist him with his outfits because yesterday he turned up wearing some ridiculous biker jacket.

On to the match now, we started off promisingly. Theo was brilliant and all I could think at the time was “PLEASE DON’T DISAPPEAR AFTER 10 MINUTES”.  He also had an excellent chance which was blocked off by Evra. Cuntbaggery aside that was some really good defending. It was all Jim Dandy until Vidic slyly handled (literally) a cross from Walcott aiming for RVP’s head. Fuck him. The ref saw that, the linesman saw that but considering it was Chris Foy and he is special friends with Fegie & Co. he just gave a corner. Foy also had 3 touches with the ball himself which led to Shevy & Macca at the ESPN panel admitting Foy has been the most outstanding player for United so far.

What changed with Foy in the second half is that his saw himself on the tv and realized it’s getting too obvious that he’s taking money from United in order to get hair transplant. So for once, he decided that he is not blindewrwfscvbrttttttttt – my cat typed the last bit.

Who's your Ramsey?

Arshavin came on for Nasri who apparently strained his hammy. But then he was right there by the pitch all showered up looking alright so I’m hoping it’s just pre cautionary. The goal came on 56th minuted.You couldn’t make this shit up. The boy who replaced Jesus yesterday, the boy who had his foot cracked into two chucked one in between Carrick’s feet and there it was. 1-0. To the Arsenal.It was incredibly emotional as he was a tremendous asset for us until the Shawcunt tackle and yesterday he proved that he still is. You couldn’t have asked for a better come back. Proud of him.

You manipulate the ref and I manipulate my tail up your arse. Capiche Fergie?

Djourou came off at some point with a knock and Squillaci replaced him which caused a lot of mini strokes. United increased their pressure just a bit and  I started counting every second out loud. Ferguson got all shouty and obviously tried to manipulate officials. But Arsene learned his lesson from previous encounters and had our very own Gunnersaurus marking him.

4 minutes of fergie time kept the entire Grove on their toes and as Foy blew the final whistle I received texts from chavs thanking me.

Evra said they made it too easy for us and they deserved to lose blah blah blah. That fucker’s mouth is almost almost as big as his cunt but he made me realize I much rather have the chavs win the league than them. A band wagon-ing manc scum awakens homicidal tendencies in me. A Chelsea fan, not so much. They can win the quadruple and they’ll still be the clowns of London.

We’ve got Stoke away next. If Ramsey is traveling there I expect a full blood boiling locking of the horns as we hopefully tear Pulis & his cavemens apart. Fucking hell, I hate Pulis.

Here’s to 3 more matches.

That All Too Familiar Gutted Feeling

This morning it felt like I was back at High School after a night of embarrassment at some party. As if I got a little too drunk,threw up in front of everyone, slipped in my own vomit and here I am, heading to class trying my best not to get noticed. Come to think of it, I’m pretty good at this as I have done this six seasons. In a row.

The one big “if” from yesterday was what if Kevin Davies went off in the first half? Do you think the bearing of the match would have changed? At this point you can’t be sure as we saw our first team tumble against Bolton. Given the fact that Bolton only suffered 2 home defeats this entire season established a mentality that we would be lucky to get away with a point. And Arsenal has a sad set of history at Reebok bar that 2-0 down with 10 men then 3-2 win. Both the goals from the home team came from corners. Which sprung up an interesting fact:

Poor marking cost us yet again. A lot of people have been moaning for the last few seasons for the lack of top class defenders. And there’s another problem to be addressed, leadership. Mind you if Tony Adams was there he would scream and shout and make sure every one in the white shirt was properly marked. And they all listened to him. Cause he was terrifying. The sole reason why our midfield was so clinical before was because Adams was behind them and if they didn’t deliver he would have ripped them a new one.

Tough love is necessary. I have the Arsenal mentality myself. I do half arsed jobs. The only way I can deliver quality work is if someone abuses me. I’ve had people telling me “You are so talented why can’t you focus and finish!?” I had a look at myself, recognized my awesomeness and got to it,then stopped halfway. Do you know what works? When my dad comes to my face and tells me I don’t deserve anything because I am lazy and I am a waste of his flesh and blood and I’m probably going to end up like one of those girls who gets an arranged marriage at 22 with a wealthy fat guy. That makes me depressed. And then, angry and hungry for a significant achievment.

That is something our players need. They need to understand that while they get paid millions to do a half arsed job, away fans travel with their hard earned money and make sacrifices. I wonder what makes Theo work so hard for the first 10 minutes then disappear for the rest of the 80 minutes or until he is subbed off. Do you want me to bitch and moan about who we should buy for summer? No. Fuck that. Here’s what I would do if I had the privilege to be at UK. I’d be in front of the training center screaming and crying like a lunatic. Remember a movie from the 60′s called “Network”? It had an iconic scene. People voicing their angry rant at President Ford “I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore’”. I reckon I’d do that. I wish I could do that. I’m not in the shareholders trust. I’m not a member of the board. I’m not Arsene Wenger. I would be a tiny particle amidst a sea of other fans who would pay to watch what happened yesterday. That happened at Emirates against West Brom.

Let me ask you this, if you are mad just like I am why are you being, as that wife beating Collymore would put it, a “keyboard warrior”? If you have the opportunity and transport why don’t you head over there and let all your rant out in person? There’s so much a person can take. And let me tell you who’s the biggest sufferer here. Arsene Wenger. Do you think he told everyone to play like this was some office picnic?

The players have been outstanding all season. If there is somebody to blame, it is me. I pick the team.

As much as it saddens me to witness him utter those words, I can’t help but wonder why he holds back his purse every transfer season. It is crystal clear what we lack and he has every ability to splurge just a little and fill up the essentials.But then there is this memorable line from The Damned United:

The reality of footballing life is this: the chairman is the boss, then comes the directors, then the secretary, then the fans, then the players. And then finally, last of all, lowest of the heap, the lowest of the low, comes the one, who in the end we can all do without…the fucking manager.

A lot of fans can hold Arsene at gunpoint but the reality is the players are just as much as at fault. You can sack him and then do you think some charismatic fucker will immediately take over and win trophies if the players display what we witnessed yesterday?

Mind you if Bolton was Bangladesh we would chase the players to their homes until they deliver what we pay for. A determined team.
Four more games then it’s Emirates Cup.

Arsenal vs. Every Other Team Since My Last Post: This Is God Punishing Us For Watching Porn

I find it hilarious that somehow we are 3rd in the league table. With a game in hand against Citeh. Wooow!

Since my last post, which was last year, here’s what we have done…

• Drew Wigan

• Won Birmingham

• Drew Citeh

• Drew Leeds

• Lost Ipswich

I look at these results and I think “hey, it’s not that bad Ronnie. I mean look at you, still in the league race, CL, FA Cup, Carling Cup. You are practically still in everything”

Practically. I hate that word. I much rather get the fuck out of CL and FA now, win CC then either narrowly win the league. Or just finish second. Now you can call me a pessimist but we really don’t have any other realistic chance.

Look at it. Ipswich. Lost to Chelsea 7-0. Chelsea. We beat them 3-1. I said on twitter that the only way we can muck this up is if we underestimate them. Not only did we underestimate them, we practically went in thinking this is won.

I don’t like the slightest hint of arrogance when out players go up against lower league clubs. Because, arrogance would mean you have success in the recent years. No matter how much us fans defend that we are the greatest fucking club the world has ever seen, we haven’t won anything for almost 6 years. Please, get that through your head and play every game like your and your family’s lives depend on it. Which it should, but it doesn’t since you get hundreds of thousands of pounds a week. I’m don’t want to have a dig at my own men, but they leave us with no choice. I won’t even bother bashing Arshavin but at the best day this team can beat Chelsea. This team can give City a run for their money. Then what in the world went wrong?

Let me tell you what went wrong. Arsenal treated this game like I treated Economics Unit 1 in A’ Levels. I went in with just 6 hours of studies under my belt. Wrote my fingers off. Got an 85. Where I should have gotten a 95. Now getting 85 against Eco meaning winning 5-4. It’s a narrow A, your defense AKA evaluation points should have been more in depth. Arsenal got a 70 against Ipswich. Not an A. No good college AKA Carling Cup. Now, they have the exact opportunity like I do. Second Leg. In my case it was replay but you get the point.

And then there was Cesc. I don’t blame him. I know a lot of you have little kids. You know when they muck something up and comes up with excuses. “Oh dad I couldn’t finish the entire exam my pencils weren’t sharp I had to sharpen them”..” I DIDN’T LOSE! YOU CHEATED”.

This is what happens when you don’t finish the chances you get. We payed for it against Citeh. We paid for it against Ipswich.And now they are going to park the bus. Oh joy.

Here’s the upside, we are not Spurs. Yay. Our joy does not come from coming in fourth and barely qualifying. So, chin up.Time for me to eat wheat thins and go to bed.

2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,300 times in 2010. That’s about 3 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 7 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 20 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 3mb. That’s about 2 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was October 29th with 237 views. The most popular post that day was The Loyalty Test; Newcastle 0-4 Arsenal.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were twitter.com, facebook.com, WordPress Dashboard, link.smartscreen.live.com, and iconfactory.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for nasri chamakh, man utd, i am gooner, gooner, and rawr hear me roar.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

The Loyalty Test; Newcastle 0-4 Arsenal October 2010
2 comments

2

Do you really care? Really!? December 2010
9 comments

3

ManUtd 1-0 Arsenal : Foot…ball? December 2010
5 comments

4

A tale of cards,a dodgy penalty,cuntbags & 3 lovely points – Salut! October 2010
5 comments and 2 Likes on WordPress.com

5

GET OUT OF THE WAY GREEN! Arsenal 1-0 West Ham October 2010
6 comments

Arsenal 3-1 Chelsea : The Christmas Carrol

It was 2 nights after Christmas

Twenty Seventh of December

I was cold and I was sad

I clearly remember.

I lost my little kitten

And wondered why god is so cruel

For all she has ever done is bring joy to me

Yet she lost the ultimate duel.

 

I sit here not to write

A poem about my kitty

For I am no Lisa Simpson

With hair so pointy.

 

I wish to tell a tale

Of a bunch of blue cunts

Who terrorized us all

With bottomless cash

Vodka soaked grass

And pulled cuntbaggery stunts.

 

Who remembers the last time

We beat these cuntnuggets?

Not I, For I am a pessimist

As my previous posts would suggest.

 

I sat in front of the tele

As Arsene brought his boys out

I sat there with a heavy heart

Wishing my dad would let me have a sip of stout.

 

The little Russian

The one that puts Koalas to shame

Was left out on the bench

Surely a twist to the crucial game.

 

The great Spanish captain

And the Dutchman,so fragile

Was looking pretty sharp

Focused and agile.

 

I prayed to god

I prayed quite hard.

I said, for fucks sake man

Don’t let them score in the first half.

 

And the lord heard me.

He said, Don’t worry Ron.

For you have Don King

Also knows as Alex Dimitri Song.

 

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

I uttered quite loudly.

My dad gave me a hug

As I shouted FUCK OFF YOU CHAVS proudly.

 

As the half time rolled I thought to myself

How good is Djorou  holding up

Guarding that fucker Frogba

And not mucking it up.

 

Second half came

I got a bit anxious

For we were up one nil

And it doesnt take much

For a thin lead

To bite us back in the arse.

 

And then the boys

In red and white

Struck again with all their might

The lovely Theo

Crossed to Cesc

And he did

What he does best.

 

FUCK YEAH!

Said I.

I was so happy

I could cry.

 

And before I could gather myself

The english boy struck another.

Arsenal 3-0 Chelsea

TAKE THAT TERRY!! YOU FUCKER!!

 

4  minutes later.

The cunts pulled one back.

I don’t want to blame Flappy.

Or our center back.

 

We edged close to Full time

And how nervous we all were

We hoped to stick another one

Possibly up Ashley Cole’s rear.

 

On the 88th minute

The Mozart came to town

And almost chucked one in

But the side bar let us down.

(plus he was offside)

 

And then it happened.

GLORY HALLELUJAH!

Santa gave the gooners

What they wanted.

3 fucking points, wish well granted.

 

The boys of London town

Thrashed the blue cuntnuggets.

Over 60 percent possession

May as well suggest

That the boys are not boys

They have grown after all

With victory though harmony

They are Arsene’s Arsenal.

 

To conclude this tale

I’d like to say

This win was for my little Taffy

I miss her so much everyday.